cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
