My underwear smells like fireworks.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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