You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize