A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
