Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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