I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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