The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
