My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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