two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
