I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
