i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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