Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize