can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
