another moral hangover. fuck.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
