If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
