my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
