i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
