She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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