good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
