I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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