the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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