for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
