I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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