new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
