So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm really busy with my period
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