I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
