I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He's on the porch naked. Help.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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