Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
