So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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