Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
