In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
