I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
