Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We talked him into tasing himself.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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