Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
