Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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