You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sober January is a disaster.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
