I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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