If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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