I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
