90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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