I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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