I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
