Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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