I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
