Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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