Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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