I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
