you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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