He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
