batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
