Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
