before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
