i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
