I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
