i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
