Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
