Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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