Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
