Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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