how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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