So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize