He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My friends, they love my intelligence
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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