She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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